


Where The Stars Collide

by emperordjh



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Childhood, Dreams, Flashbacks, Love, Memories, New York City, Safe Space, Trauma, church, gay relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-02 10:16:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17262425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emperordjh/pseuds/emperordjh
Summary: The twenty-two year old Daniel struggles to find his peace after moving to New York on his own. Although his friend’s many tries to help he finds it hard to be honest at all. In his attempts to overcome his childhood trauma and be someone better he meets Phil Lester, a young and rich business man. Dan finds it hard to let him in while being haunted by his past but maybe Phil was what Dan needed all along and maybe together, they can reach for the stars.





	Where The Stars Collide

Whatever a safe space is, to an individual, depends on their story. It’s not a choice that you make or a location you look for, sometimes you just have to sit back, release your thoughts and, when you least expect it, you find it, a safe space, just for you. A place where you can travel to somewhere, deep inside your mind, to discover yourself, where even the most broken might think: ‘This isn’t all that bad, look at how far I’ve come, and how much further I can go.’ To some it might be a home, a place filled with memories, laughter and love, for others a library, where the walls are filled with words of wisdom, stories told through letters, a path paved by a writer and a world created by the reader, making it their definition of perfect, because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes though, a story remains untold because it’s not beautiful, and it never was supposed to be. A story is a sad one when a safe space is never found, because it appears that, in the end, finding that space is the goal and the ending is what you keep with you forever.

Death is the inevitable, yet dying happy is what we’re after. Between the two there’s a difference, one goes for everyone while the other one is like a story, finished by it’s author. Where the ending is thought through and made the way it’s supposed to be, where the experiencer closes the book with a satisfied feeling because they knew that that’s what the story simply was like and even though maybe it wasn’t perfect, it was finished. The ending existed, and never was the ending any more important than any of the moments leading up to it.

A human life is like a book, a series of fortunate and unfortunate events that vary in complicity, yet, as in books, every event matters, because with every breath taken and with every single heartbeat, a human is shaped more into what they will end up as. Good or bad, every second they get closer to their ending, just like a book comes closer to its ending with every word read.

It was a cold evening in early November, when Daniel entered his safe space. The Riverside Church, New York City. He put his hands to his mouth and exhaled, hoping the icy feeling would be replaced with one warmer and more comfortable. The lights inside were still on, so Dan knew that Tobias Patterson, the pastor, was still there, too. He had given Dan permission to come in whenever he needed to be there, when he wanted to pray. But Dan didn’t come to church to pray, he never did, he came to feel safe.

Dan walked up to the front of the extravagant building and strictly looked around, as if he was looking for something, or someone, before carefully sitting down on one of the benches. The collar of his long black coat was facing upwards and his hands were now hidden in his pockets. His chin was burrowed in a thick woollen scarf, one that Dan’s grandma had knitted for him years ago and he had received the last time they saw each other.

First Dan looked at the stained glass, above the altar. The different coloured figures reminded him of when he was young and happy. They made him think of his family, his dad, his grandparents, everyone he had been missing for years. It made him sad, the thought of his family, for sure they would be disappointed in who he had become. His eyes drifted away from the stained glass. His life used to be like that, full of colour and people. Now it was just grey, almost black sometimes. A heavy feeling of guilt creeped over Dan as he closed his eyes.

Although Dan came to church multiple times every week, he never prayed, for as far as he knew, he didn’t even believe in God. It was questionable though, his beliefs. For years he had tried to convince himself that he deserved punishment, and a God made him this way, yet he always resigned to his thoughts and returned to his original ‘nothing happens for a reason’, which he still stands by today. There must’ve been something, though, about the church that offered him a sensation of tranquil, making the Riverside Church his safe space.

What it was for Dan is that he was able to find peace in places where others had found theirs. He was amazed by the amount of people influenced by the thought of a ‘something’ or ‘someone’ always watching over and controlling them. The thought of it was scary to Dan at first but slowly he had learned to appreciate the beauty in it. He always avoided visiting during mass as that just felt wrong to him. He felt like, since he wasn’t a believer, he was interrupting something he didn’t belong in. Mass was for the ones who prayed, he had convinced himself. Attending one would make him not only feel like the odd one out, but also as if he would wrong the place, because one of the church’s main goals was to spread to word of God, something Dan simply wasn’t interested in. All he cared for was that the place made others feel happy and safe, so it made him feel happy and safe.

‘’Daniel?” The familiar voice of Tobias echoed through the main hall of the materially obsolescent building. Dan opened his eyes and shifted his head, getting his neck to crack. He faced the direction where the voice had enacted from. Dan let a weak smile appear on his face, letting Tobias know it was okay to approach him right now.

Tobias stood in front of him, looked him up and down and spoke up, ‘’I thought you’d visit today,’’ he said at first, ‘’I hadn’t seen you in a couple of days, so I just figured. Hence why I hadn’t locked the door yet.’’ He swiftly pointed back towards the entrance.

Dan looked over there, at the big wooden door he had closed behind his back about fifteen minutes earlier. He then eyed over to the watch strapped onto Tobias’ wrist, carefully he read the time. It had just passed eleven. Dan often visited the church after closing hours, but never had he been there this late.

He swallowed, ‘’I was just about to leave, actually.’’ Dan told Tobias. It wasn’t true though, if Tobias didn’t show up Dan could’ve easily stayed for hours. The older man gave him a smile, one of those that obviously is out of pity but still appears to be genuine. Dan could tell that Tobias cared for him, despite not knowing his story.

Really no one knew Dan’s story, even though he had been living in New York for over five years and he had made great friends, he never managed to tell anyone the truth. Not even his best friend, the girl who lived in the apartment next to his. She was one of the few people who knew what Dan had to do, to be able to stay alive. Never had Dan managed to tell her his story, neither was he planning to do so anytime soon. Everyone who had been a part of Dan’s story, good or bad, had been dealt with. It hurt Dan a lot, thinking about it.

All of the people who no longer are and the ones who were forced to leave. Everyone Dan had ever known turned out to be an influence in his story, thus far only making it worse. Never had he thought for a second that he would’ve made it this far. If you knew his story, you wouldn’t think he would ever be someone, or could ever be someone. For his story is a long and complicated one. From the moment his mum left him and his father behind to the point where he was left all alone years later, the point he finally stood up and made a change. He did by moving to New York on his own, aged sixteen.

‘’You don’t have to leave yet,’’ Tobias softly said, ‘’if you want to I can get you some tea.’’

Dan looked at him, and thought for a second. It didn’t take him very long to decide that for now he had found his peace and it would be best for him to go home. He stood up and smiled at Tobias, who was quite short compared to the British boy. ‘’Thank you, but no thanks.’’ Dan said, in a slow pace he moved towards the door he had entered through earlier. ‘’It’s still a pretty long walk home.’’ He added.

Tobias followed him to the door, ‘’Be good Daniel. When will you visit again?’’

‘’When I feel like I have to,’’ Dan carefully pronounced, ‘’I don’t know yet.’’

‘’I want to give you something when you visit again, Daniel. Is that okay?’’

Dan stopped walking and turned around to look at the pastor. ‘’What is it?’’ He examined. He had no clue what it could be. No one ever took the effort to give him anything at all, so he wasn’t expecting this, especially not from Tobias. It also wasn’t often that Dan got offered a drink in church, it had only happened a handful of times spread over the years he had been visiting.

‘’You’ll have to see, but I’m sure you will like it.’’ Tobias replied to Dan’s previous question. He smiled as he said that, so Dan too, believed that he would like it.

When Dan stepped outside, Tobias neatly closed the door behind him. Dan could hear the key twitch from inside, knowing the door was now locked. He turned around to look at the vast building one more time, before leaving the terrain and carefully making his way home.

The walk home always took about twenty minutes, as Dan’s apartment was only a few blocks away. Usually it was fine, but something in the air felt different tonight. It could’ve been the freezing cold, winter had arrived quite early that year and it was too cold to comfortably walk around outside, especially at this hour. Maybe the walk felt different because Dan knew that Tobias wanted to give him something, so he was thinking about it a lot. Trying to go over the possibilities of what it could be, and examining the motives Tobias could have for his actions. Nothing seemed to make sense though, as Dan and Tobias didn’t actually talk a lot ever.

Dan put his earphones in while slowly strolling to the place he had been calling home for six years, never had it felt like home though, his apartment, neither had New York. But it felt like he was closer home now than he ever felt like he was when he still lived back in Britain. Maybe because no life changing events had happened here yet and although, Dan wasn’t particularly enjoying his life right now, he hadn’t been through struggles of the same calibre he had to go through every once in a while when he was younger.

He listened to a song that reminded him of his youth. A song he had given a place, in his mind. Far away from his current life. It used to be his father’s favourite song, when he was still alive. He had introduced Dan to it and the two always seemed to go together. His father and the song. Dan tried to not listen to the song very often, as it not only made him emotional now, but he was scared that by playing it often, it would lose its meaning. That’s something he would never want to happen, or he could ever forgive himself for were it to happen in the future. But right now it came on shuffle and Dan simply couldn’t be bothered to change it. That and he was missing his father a bit more than the usual today, so he would’ve wanted to listen to it anyways.

Dan soaked the music up in his ears and brain as he cautiously listened to the lyrics that he, over time, slowly had connected to everyone who isn’t with him anymore to this day. Lyrics that not only his father taught him, but lyrics that now symbolized his past and, even though the words were prettier than what he had been through, it still made sense. It always did.

_Oh, my life is changing every day,_  
_in every possible way._  
_And oh, my dreams,_  
_it's never quite as it seems._  
_Never quite as it seems._

_I know I felt like this before,_  
_but now I'm feeling it even more._  
_Because it came from you._  
_Then I open up and see,_  
_the person falling here is me._  
_A different way to be._

_I want more, impossible to ignore._  
_Impossible to ignore._  
_And they'll come true,_  
_impossible not to do._  
_Possible not to do._

_And now I tell you openly,_  
_you have my heart so don't hurt me._  
_You're what I couldn't find,_  
_a totally amazing mind._  
_So understanding and so kind,_  
_you're everything to me._

_Oh, my life is changing every day,_  
_in every possible way._  
_And oh, my dreams,_  
_it's never quite as it seems._  
_Because you're a dream to me,_  
_dream to me._

 Later that night Dan stood on his balcony. When he turned his head just the right way, looking down the road, he could just see the tip of the Riverside Church. It felt good to him that despite not being there, he could still see it. He knew that as long as it was there, he had a place to return to. Tonight he wasn’t thinking about feeling safe though, he was thinking about what Tobias had said to him. It felt as if something was off. Perhaps it was just knowing that Tobias had something to hand to him and not knowing what it was just made Dan’s brain run into overdrive. The more he thought about it the more confused he got, and even though he tried to think about something different the entire time, he failed to do so.

 He shifted his point of view from the top of the church up in the sky, discretely attempting to catch a glimpse of the moon, which was fundamentally hidden behind a thick gloom covering up most of the night sky. Only the shimmer of the natural satellite was vaguely visible exposing its location. Dan scanned the sky for other pieces he knew about, some stars that had fascinated him over the years. He couldn’t uncover any of them right now, although it appeared the sky was slowly clearing up despite it being past midnight now.

 He put his hand down on the railing, it was as cold as ice and tingled both in his palms and fingertips. The feel of the frigid railing on his soft hands wasn’t comfortable but Dan was too unaware of his surroundings to be bothered changing the positioning of them. He breathed in and out. Slowly and steadily. Dan managed to drift off into his own universe, so far gone that he didn’t notice the presence of his friend and neighbour, Cat, behind him.

 ‘’Dan,’’ she began, ‘’you should come inside. It’s freezing.’’

 Dan turned around and stared her up and down while still holding onto the railing. Confused at first with questions jumping from lefts and rights through his brain. He asked her, ‘’How did you get in?’’

 ‘’I heard you arriving and you left your door unlocked.’’ She paused, ‘’Plus, I hadn’t seen you in like a week so I just wanted to check in on you. You know, the way friends do.’’

 ‘’Why aren’t you asleep?’’

 ‘’How am I supposed to sleep knowing you’re still out there?’’

 For a second Dan had to think about it, and he responded, ‘’Do you really care about me that much?’’

 ‘’What? Of course I do! You’re my best friend and you’re not exactly living the safest life, you know. That’s why I always ask if you’ll return for the night before you leave. Can we go inside now?’’

 Dan nodded in agreement. It was really cold and late. As the two of them stepped inside the apartment, Dan noticed that Cat was already wearing what could be considered pyjamas. She was wearing sweatpants and pink bunny slippers. Under her winter coat she was wearing a shirt that was, well, ugly, but reasonable enough to sleep in. Dan took his coat off and changed into his own pyjamas while Cat was making tea for the both of them.

 When Dan arrived back in the living space of his small apartment that consisted of one bedroom, one bathroom and a combined living room and kitchen, Cat was sitting on his musty and ancient sofa. Dan hated that sofa so much but he simply wasn’t able to afford a new one and not having a sofa just seemed completely impractical to him. Dan sat down next to Cat.

 ‘’Tell me about today.’’ Cat attempted to inquire, it came out as a statement though, more than a question.

 ‘’She’s a regular. Miss Griffin.’’ Dan answered in honesty.

 ‘’Is that the one with the husband?’’

 ‘’Most of them have husbands.’’ Dan paused, ‘’Or wives.’’

 ‘’Doesn’t that make you feel bad? Knowing they’re married?’’

 ‘’It’s not my decision, Cat. It’s only my job and they pay me a good amount of money for it. At least enough to afford this place.’’

 ‘’This place is a shithole.’’ Cat said, Dan agreed. For now neither of them could manage a place that was better in any approach. Cat’s announcement was followed by a silence that creeped over the two of them. It wasn’t awkward or unusual, they just took their time to finish the tea Cat had made. The tea wasn’t very good and the debate whether or not the decrepit air in the rusty apartment changed the flavour of it had been dealt with numerous times and so had the conversation topic of kettles, which Cat found quite fascinating at first. Dan was just as fascinated by the fact that Americans barely use kettles. It was the only thing he hated about New York so far, the lack of kettles.

 Neither of them dared to admit that the tea wasn’t very great so they just sat there to finish it. Dan swiftly took the cups and put them in the sink, where he had left the rest of today’s dishes. He had told himself that ‘he’d finish doing them after he wakes up’, he told that himself so often that he started to believe it. Although for him, leaving the dishes for days on end was more common than just overnight. Tomorrow though, he promised himself, he would do the dishes.

 Cat and Dan sat on the sofa and eyed out of one of the small windows looking out over Dan’s balcony. The glass was quite dusty but Dan had tried to keep the middle of it clean so he could keep gazing outside. He spent a lot of time looking outside, especially at night, because he simply adored looking at the constellations that appeared in the bounteous azure after the sun had set for the day.

 It turned three AM and the two of them still did nothing but just watch through the single clear ring on the window, at one point you could swear Cat asked him why he was so fascinated by the stars while in reality there was nothing but the sound of silence. Like Dan predicted earlier, the sky did clear up.

 ‘’Look!” Cat jumped out of her seat and rushed over to window, ‘’Did you see that?’’

 Dan widened his eyes in confusion as he stared at Cat who was extravagantly waving her arms up in the air motioning at him, ‘’What?’’ He asked her.

 ‘’A shooting star! Did you miss it?’’

 ‘’I’m not sure.’’

 ‘’Make a wish, fast!’’

 ‘’A shooting star won’t grant a wish, Cat.’’

 ‘’And doing a wish upon a star never hurt anyone, now don’t be such a bore and make a wish.’’

 Dan thought it about it for a second. That was all the time he needed to figure out what to wish for. Plus, Cat was right. Even though Dan didn’t believe in superstitious things like these, doing a wish couldn’t hurt him. Even if it doesn’t come true. Dan shut his eyes, breathed in, and he wished.

 ‘’What did you wish for?’’ Cat attempted.

 ‘’If I tell you it most definitely won’t come true.’’

 ‘’Fair enough.’’

 Dan stayed silent for a while, then looked at the time and back at Cat. He spoke up, ‘’Hey, it’s super late. Maybe it’s time for you to go home now.’’ Cat eventually agreed after trying to get Dan to tell her his wish and failing at it multiple times, so she hugged him goodbye and told him to take care and text her soon, to catch up again. Dan told her that he would tell her his wish if it did come true and Cat was okay with that.

 Dan gingerly closed the door behind her back and ensured the door firmly, guaranteeing that this time around he did lock it. When he waded back to the sofa that he loathed so much he sat down on it once more and thought about what he had wished.

 Something better.

 That’s what he wished for.

 He had no clue in what way or form his ‘something better’ could come to him, if it even was going to happen. But he didn’t care. He didn’t care if it was a person or an act or even a physical object he hadn’t yet have in his life. It didn’t matter though, all he wanted was something better, in any way. Just, something.

 And there he was.

 Excruciatingly turning over in bed, unable to get comfortable, he laid there. Awoken by his throbbing headache and fully drenched in a cold sweat. He felt like he was too powerless to move but convinced himself to get out of bed and get a glass of water, hoping that would make him feel any better. He exited the bedroom of his spacious penthouse apartment and strolled into the en-suite bathroom directly connected to it. 

 He stared at himself in the mirror and noticed his glasses, just slightly too big for his face, deliberately gliding down the bridge of his nose. His onyx coloured hair was messy and damp and his skin was pale. He made eye contact with the figure staring back at him in the mirror.

 Phil Lester, that was his name. A young British man with great business competency who recently moved to New York to broaden his workspace. He stood there, wondering where this infuriating headache came from all of a sudden. He assumed it was a migraine or possibly a stress headache. The latter didn’t make sense as he deemed to be rooted in a deep sleep beforehand.

 Without obtaining an answer he went back to bed, laid down and patiently waited until he felt somewhat better. He stared at the ceiling of his freshly painted apartment and wondered what this weird sensation was. The moment wasn’t prolonged very greatly as the headache soon calmed down a bit. Within a short amount of time, he was back asleep.

There he was, Phil Lester, Dan’s ‘something better’.


End file.
